How Do We Reconcile after a Dispute with a Loved One

The usual sorry does not work anymore

Peace is not the absence of conflict. It’s the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means. — Ronald Reagan

Conflicts are inevitable in any form of relationship but handling it well brings about stronger and authentic connections. Remember disapproval does not mean hate.

Hugs, sorry or words like ‘calm down’ may most of the time not work. In fact, it may trigger a person with more anger. Rather, succeed in making actions and basic gestures, such as granting and sharing the favourite bar of chocolate. To restore intimacy and harmony.

The moment you recognize a simple difference is charging up to a heavy argument, one of you have to get awareness to take a break. Ask or let the person know and go alone for a while to calm yourself, breathe, drink some water or even count ten to one backwards, whatever which gets you out of the rage build-up. Be the more mindful one to ask for twenty minutes to interact again when you can get your conversation on a friendly track.

Hopefully the other has calmed down by the time you see again, if not ask him or her to do the same. Offer a cup of water, it’s a better way to say let’s patch it up than an actual ‘sorry’ immediately.

Innovative change of scenario

If it is an even more difficult conversation in extreme scenarios to have than a small argument which popped up about washing the dishes or doing the laundry. Put yourself in different rooms and converse through the phone. At least this should work. If the issue is still unresolved, try to calmly talk it out in person to person because it may be hanging on in mind. It’s always best to resolve it on the same day.

Avoiding conflicts is not the whole point at all. It’s about dealing with it better more than causing each other pain and hurt. It’s good the issue rose up, that it was given a moment to strengthen your relationship further, but make sure you don’t hang on to the argument by thrashing each other. When both had come to a rational place. It’s the time to discuss and resolve it. Really listen to what the person is saying, show them that you hear them by practising reflective listening.

Blame game

Don’t play defence. Inquire how did you make the person feel and do not say sorry along with pointing out flaws. When you are both in a mutually grounded place, plan how you can naturally set your circumstances for such issues to not crop up again. Share your point of view after listening without blame. The main mistake is to spoil all the happy days you shared with because of one simple difference by saying ‘you always did this’, or ‘you never’. It’s usually an emotional outburst and a point of an exaggeration to validate your point. Also, there is not much truth in such statements.

Try to have no space for the ego because it will end up in blaming each other and spoiling the past which can divert to a way of getting nowhere. Avoid comparing or blaming the other people in the partner’s life like mothers or friends. Putting the blame on somebody else and trying to reconcile or give excuses for the partner’s behaviour. Through another trustable person, he or she has in their life is a very wrong tactic. Though a very common practice. It should be avoided. No ultimatums. Don’t threaten with quits and walking out.

Happily ever after

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Life-long love is influential to avoid many other sub-issues like depression and distrust which later may follow. Other than extreme emotional narcissistic issues, physical hurt or adultery where separation can be considered. Quitting is never encouraged unless the person has no mental health issues and it is a different subject totally.

A happy marriage is vital to success in anything. Reconciliation with mutual trust over separation always. In the respectful and rational conversation see what is the underlying truth of the issue which came up. There is always mostly something beneath that reached its peak to outburst. It can be issues behind like possessiveness or controlled behaviour.

Seek solutions to work as a team. Remember you are a team and you have to work it out more than anything. Don’t hastily in the period of re-patch let your secrets out to other parties, which was expected to be kept to yourself and shared trustfully. Be cautious on how you will portray your partner to others in the period of challenges unless you are sure of the accountable person who understands you well and is ready to support you in good ways. Also, has a good history of tactfully handling miscommunications and disputes.

Admit it if you are wrong

Even if you still disagree say sorry to each other for making the other feel the way they felt to have reached the peak point of breaking-up. This is essential to move forward. Remember not to blame with the sorry saying ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’. It’s always hard to accept your mistakes but this will bring about better solutions.

When you have been the person who had been wronged try not to bring up this topic again for no reason just because the person accepted it and conveyed an apology. Discuss what do you expect next time in a similar situation and also let the person know about how you felt when this happened and what you actually had expected from the person to behave. All conflicts are built upon a lack of communication and wrong understandings. Let go of the confrontation and be devoid of bitter feelings, step together as a team just to not inhibit intimacy and integrity.

Seek positive and effective ways to resolve a conflict by doing something that is usually best appreciated by both. A change of place is a great idea always to restore harmony and to diffuse the residual anger. Neglecting and silent treatment will isolate the companion and disrupt the family dynamics still further. It will re-surface again in uncontrollable ways. Small issues handled and solved is better before the outburst because little neglected issues sum up to a position where it becomes impermanent to change. Remember the good times had together and understand it is the same person. Also, grasp the other person’s point of view as well.

Healing and moving on

Resolving a dispute is a whole different step from healing and reconnecting. It is another different line which takes time and effort. Allow some space and time to feel happy about each other again. Meanwhile, don’t alienate and have a hostile environment. Do the little rituals you usually do together in a habit of routine, like making a cup of coffee for both and grocery shopping together. Fulfil the needs. No direct character assassinating statements and have no place for ego.

Who says the first sorry, the first introduction and proposes first in a relationship. These competitions are everywhere. It’s really highly vital to look at yourselves as a team and understand through this mindset both of you are going to benefit. First move competition should be won by having a desire to be first, to express love, compassion, and understanding. As Napoleon Hill states in the book of ‘Law of success’ — a marriage is a highly influential decider of a person’s success. And also the five closest people he spends most of the time with. Loved ones do not mean only a relationship or a partner. All these points even match to friends and family conflicts. It can be a mother-daughter relationship or a sisters’ relationship, anything. These apply to a house where everybody wants to co-exist peacefully while respecting and loving one another. You don’t have to change each other but a degree of compromise is required to co-exist. Remember the only person you can control, or change is yourself.

Bigger picture

Simple gestures and short kind words can break the wall the person has sometimes. Anger and hostile silence can even be a protective barrier. Simple sweet things can break this and let the person be more vulnerable and authentic to you. Try different ways to vent out than attacking each other over the same things without resolving. Actually, people fight for the same things for their entire life. Solve it then and there on the same day and work out solutions in a future framework so that it doesn’t rise up again. To know how to handle it better.

Seek divine help and pray together. This brings about peace and trust in a bigger power and a source of belief than yourself to understand the big picture, to help each other to be better human beings. If there was a family feud, or if there are people in a confrontation, then never play favourites. When you observe a conflict always be on the side of reconciliation not on the side of who is better because picking sides escalates meanness and reinforces a win-loss game that could lead to a loss for everyone. Majorly for the mediator.

When you are arguing, observing a fight or when you are trying to solve a conflict, the side that you are going to take is to reconcile. Although sometimes some people for fun do blame as a resolver on both parties, and that is also another good tactic to bring two people together but it does not always work and it has to be applied carefully.

When you have been wrong, don’t automatically object the complaint. Think from their position and work on it. I know we are never the bad person in our stories but still, you need two sides to come up to anything. Any reaction needs two elements to become something else. So there should be a degree of some acceptance of your part too in a place where you co-exist. When it fires up to an argument, work it out and think of it from their position and even if you can't see the mistake in a mindful discussion to solve issues, apologize.

How to avoid petty fights

Self-love is important and individual space is vital to reconcile or even to avoid arguments. Only when your cup of tea is full you can share it with another person. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself so that issues don’t crop up and even if they do, you can handle it in constructive methods to emerge stronger than before as a person and for the relationship to strengthen even higher.

Never threaten with quits and walking out. When it reaches the top beyond the petty complaints, and when you feel like you cannot seem to agree on anything. Every talk turns into a challenge, and you feel like there’s no more hope left in this bond. Yet, you really want to save your marriage or the relationship, professionals are there to help. If matters go too off-hand, try counselling.

Every individual deserves the right towards being happily ever after. Don’t give up without a fight. Try all your best and get the help of experienced experts who can help you at affordable prices from the comfort of your home. There are so many methods through WhatsApp calls, Skype and even Google hangouts in your most preferred method of communication that are available in today’s world. A third person who is a pro can bring in a different perspective and save a lot of drama and mental health consequences.

Let go

After the dispute is over and the apologies are exchanged, make peace with your past and let go of it. As we know, life is all about letting go and moving on. It’s so crucial to make friends with your memories that it doesn’t interrupt your present. Emotional baggage must not be held, and you should also remember to forgive yourself when you accept any sorry.

Whenever someone hurts us, we condemn ourselves within, but we got to recognize that sometimes it’s not the fault of each other, it can be the situations and conditions. We blame ourselves for the wrong choices and reactions. It is important to forgive yourself and understand, sometimes it’s not even each other’s fault. You didn’t even know another individual was going to get hurt, so why would it be your fault. Take it as a lesson and stop dwelling on it and move on. It helps you to learn and grow strong as a person and forgive each other. Stop feeling guilty.

Take your own time to get your emotions back again by healing. Don’t race into the recovery process and fake it. Accept the things for the way they are but do things together as always in your rituals and routines. You need to accept what is done and look ahead.

Self-love

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Reflect on what you have, be the fun person you really intended to be, or be the person that can start all over again. Be faithful with yourself and not pull away. Learn unique ways to unleash rage and tensions than in front of the same person. If it is required it can be done with a person but when it is becoming too much of an addictive clinging. Try to do it in front of the mirror and write each other letters or for yourself to vent out your emotions. It only makes you feel more human. You may think that by being vulnerable, you’re going to crack a wall, but you’re only going to take this out of your mind and feel better. Let go of the negative memories and free yourself from your struggle and get help from those who really support and love. Always, always, always, love yourself.

Key takeaway

The best thing that you can do to each other first is to love your own self. Treat yourself with kindness and pamper yourself with the things you love. Don’t carry burdens when it comes to you. Look for peace internally, and your past disputes will fade away, where inevitably happy feelings for each other will expand and ripple in other spheres of life.

Writer | Learner | Creator | At Colombo

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